Am I Here, Exactly?

Today's class was a little less than extraordinary. My teacher was tired, but in truth I couldn't really concentrate. These days we are trying to read the newspaper, and I realize how much I have to learn just be able to read the most basic standard newspaper Arabic (ugh, I don't read newspapers in English!). I am worried: do I really deserve to be finished Book Two? I worry that my teacher rushed me just so I can say, "I finished Book Two of Kitab ul Assassi." I trust my teacher...well, that's contradictory because if you trust someone you don't worry about it. You just go along with their judgement. But when I have trouble reading simple newspaper articles, I get worried.

It might just be that my lack of confidence influences my ability to understand. I'm not sure. In any case, I need you all to keep the dua's coming, insha'allah. I'll give it my best shot, no matter what. I guess the level doesn't matter anyways; all that matters is that I've learned enough that I can come back to Canada and keep on studying without too much trouble. I think among the most important things I have to be able to do is to use the dictionary really well. If I can do that I should be able to get by. Insha'allah.

I was reading Muntaka's blog and I think that I can understand his feelings exactly: the feeling that you want to be more than just a successful professional, that you want to truly make a difference in the world and help those who need the help most. The trouble is, it's difficult to figure out what to do exactly. It's easy to say, "I want to help people," but what exactly is it that you do? Volunteer at different organizations? Teach people Qur'an? Make lots of money and spend it in the way of Allah?

Sometimes I wish I could be certain of myself, like some people are...no, appear to be. Life is uncertain, and we have to be ready to change and transform. You need to know where the boundaries are, but inside the garden there are countless types of plants and animals.

I am going home soon, insha'allah.

~Ameer